Roots
“A tree with strong roots laughs at the storms” Malay Proverb
In my younger days, I thought of life as something linear and straightforward. I thought that if I planned and worked through it, I will get to the expected result. Although, I was counting for some (slight) detours I mostly relied on my willingness, strength, and resilience to fight through setbacks. Coming to think about it, most of my life was about proving myself and others that I will constantly find that goal, the one everybody told me was unachievable, and just went out and did it. Prove everybody wrong and highly likely proved myself that I was a bit worthier to being in this world. Those were the good old “whatever it takes days” and when I talk about them with other people, they often show regret for their past endeavors. And hearing their regrets always felt somehow off for me, without really being able to explain what I felt instead.
Looking back now, I get a deep sense of compassion and love for that climb, the struggles, and that youthful spirit, who was fighting fire with fire.
It is not regret, its awe for the sheer determination and grit (no matter how reckless and stubborn they might appear now) and an immense gratitude for still being able to tell those stories. I know better now, only because I tried something else that probably did not turn out as I expected then. I can still question the old ways, while there is no denying that those outcomes made me to whom I am now. What felt off during the conversations, was that instead of regretting something, we can give our younger selves the grace for what we have now. We can be grateful for the alchemy that was happening, turning metal into gold and ignorance into knowledge.
An aspect that only occurred to me recently, is that life is not linear the way I imagined it to be.
Life is an often ruthless process of becoming. A tree will have to grow strong roots, if it is constantly exposed to storms. And this at times painful process of grounding, bracing, and fighting hast two aspects. First, the stronger the roots, the deeper they go underground. They are out of sight, so at times, that strength laying hidden in the depth, is unknown. Also, to oneself. Hard experiences, seemingly without gain, often give rise to regret. Second, extinction looms if the roots are not deep enough, for the storms one faces. When survival is the stake, fear becomes the game…
This feeling of gratitude for the past, comes from acknowledging the process of becoming.
There is no room for regret in knowing that the experience of those old storms rooted one enough to withstand the new ones. The essence of those fiery days is the wisdom allowing for a softer grip, accepting life’s innate flow, without constantly trying to change and influence the outcome. There is immense beauty and freedom in it for now, there is no need for fear and regret whenever the storm looms. It is enough to remember where it all started, how strong those roots grew, the struggles that forged them and to feel and honor their grounding. The value of the past, lies in knowing that if the roots run deep, the branches can reach out, embrace the storm, and start dancing with it one more time…